Mega Man Zero: The Parody
by Kid-author
Summary: Actually, the title just about says it all.
1. Chapter 1

I hereby declare that I hold no claim to Megaman Zero or its characters. I don't own the Stormtrooper Effect either (Is that public domain, or owned by George Lucas?) Nor do I own Final Fantasy Unlimited.

Old Arcadia had once been a huge and prosperous city. However, years of war had reduced it to a scorched wasteland, filled with the crumbling remains of buildings. The city had been all but abandoned. Even the souvenir shops were on the verge of closing. It was a rare thing to see any number of people in the ruins, no matter what time of day it was. So, no one would have foreseen young woman and the squad of soldier-like reploids running through Old Arcadia. Or the blue Pantheon model droids hot on their heels.

"Run for your lives!"

The young woman's name was Ciel. At age 14, she was the last person you would expect to be leading a right-out-of-a-alternate-dimension-movie resistance force. She was an inventor, a child prodigy in the ways of robotics, and nearly every night of the week, the hallway leading to her room rang with the sounds of melodious maniacal laughter. Nonetheless, in her saner, albeit possibly drug induced moments, the members of her small army considered her to be a sort of mother figure to them, and the feeling was reciprocal.

"AAAAHHHHH!"

"The British are coming, the British are coming!"

"Aren't we all Japanese?"

"Shut up and run!"

Their pursuers hurled what appeared to be smoke grenades at them. Surprisingly, the bombs had no effect.

One of the reploids, named Milan, pulled out a submachine gun.

"We've got to fight back!"

Unfortunately, every single bullet fired by the resistance missed pathetically.

"Wait." Ciel picked up a used gas canister. Her eyes widened. "Oh, my gosh! Look at this label!"

_Stormtrooper Effect Grenade: One whiff of this gas, and your enemies won't be able to hit the broad side of a blue whale! _

A few yards away, several resistance members were, indeed, firing at a blue whale which had somehow made its way into Old Arcadia, and missing every shot. In one unfortunate case, the bullets actually grew legs and jumped over the whale.

The Pantheons opened fire, releasing plasma bullets that left ripples in the air as they flew towards Ciel and the resistance. In slow motion, no less.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" A resistance member screamed as he bent over backwards to avoid the shots.

"Look out for that-" Started Ciel.

The member lost his balance, impaling himself on a railroad spike that just happened to be protruding from the ground underneath him.

"-nevermind."

"Run away!" The group began retreating again.

Half an hour later…

Ciel examined the capsule that her comrades had found. "Is this it?" She whispered to herself. "Could this contain the legendary reploid?"

She pressed the button labeled "open".

Slime covered tentacles tore out of the capsule, seizing Ciel.

"That was so, so wrong…" Ciel shivered as Milan covered her with a blanket.

"You're lucky we killed it. That thing looked like it came right out of a R-rated manga…Say, we discovered the funniest thing about that capsule. Apparently, there was a "do not open" sign on it! How about that? Ciel? Ciel…?"

Another member shouted that several more capsules had been discovered.

"How many?" Ciel asked.

The camera zoomed out to reveal at least 100 containers.

"Oh, crap."

50 capsules later…

"You know, I expected to find strange things inside those capsules, but a screaming, naked British guy was a new one on me."

"Yeah, and who knew that the legend about Walt Disney was actually true?"

Ciel sighed and walked away from the chatting reploids. Suddenly, a squad of Pantheons burst through the wall. More by surprise than thought, she pushed the open button. There was a huge blast of smoke. As it cleared, a figure emerged from the haze. Ciel ducked as the enemy droids opened fire. A red reploid jumped over the bullets. Suddenly, the Pantheons fell, blown to pieces by plasma shots. Only one of the reploids remained when the firing stopped.

"I know what you're thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being as this is a MH-07 plasma automatic, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya punk?" The reploid leveled a strange pistol at the Pantheon.

Ciel spoke up. "Actually, there are many guns far more powerful than yours. I mean, have you ever watched Hellsing? The 12mm Jackal is actually so powerful, most people can't even stand the recoil!"

The reploid sighed. "Sure, ruin my drama."

"You're Zero, aren't you? The legendary robot…"

"Are you the one who awakened me?"

"Yes, my name is Ciel."

"Ciel…" He repeated, as if testing the sound of the word. He cocked his head at her.

"Wait, you mean the chocobo?"

MH-07: Not an actual gun. But I figured that Maverick hunters would have some sort of standard issue sidearm, for grunts and the like.

Ciel Chocobo is a character from Final Fantasy Unlimited.


	2. Chapter 2

This should hold you folks: Another chapter of my Mega Man Zero Parody!

Zero was intensely curious about the future we had woken up to.

"A hundred years passed since I went into my long sleep. Tell me, in what horrifying ways has the world changed? Has technology created flying cars yet?"

Ciel answered with confusion. "Didn't flying cars already exist a century ago?"

"Oh. Right. So, what about advances on weapons technology? Did they find a way to explosively propel metal pellets at people, rendering bows and arrows obsolete?"

"Guns existed way before your time, and became obsolete due to plasma weapons like the one you use."

He expertly twirled the firearm (or plasma-arm, if you want to be picky) and holstered it. "Slipped my mind."

This little comment worried Ciel ever so much.

And so, over the course of thirty minutes, Ciel informed Zero of their situation. His former comrade X had taken over control of the reploids as a would-be guardian of humanity. Accusations of Maverickism (**n.**, the condition of being maverick- maverickist **n.**) fell upon innocent robots at the drop of a hat.

Millions had already been "retired" (**n.** **1.** withdraw for privacy **2.** stop working **3. **go to bed **4.** idiotic euphemism for being killed (Retiring is not crushing things with spiked compactors, it is putting old people together and feeding them processed food! Darnit, I don't retire flies with a swatter. I smash them! …We apologize for that outburst, and now return you to your scheduled fan-fic.)) on trumped up charges of being a threat to humanity.

The only people who possibly stood in X's way came in the form of Ciel's reploid resistance. It was, of course, rather optimistic to imply that the resistance posed any threat to X. Being largely ex-civilians who received weapons from Ciel, any day that no one got a finger (or other bodily appendage) lodged in their gun barrel embodied a good day. No word exists to communicate how ill-fated their position was. So, I shall invent one: "Super-duper-screwed". Hmm…I need to work on that.

Zero's brain struggled to process the metric ton of information that Ciel alerted him to. "So, I went to sleep, and when I woke, the world turned into a bad mixture of the Spanish Inquisition and "The Matrix" trilogy."

"I'm afraid so." Ciel said. "Tyranny is so unoriginal these days. But, anyway, would you please accompany me back to the resistance base? I can tell you more about our world without the danger of being attacked."

Zero nodded. "Alright. Lead on, then."

"And what am I supposed to shoot any enemies we encounter with? My finger?"

"Point taken. How about you tell me how to get to your base?"

And so the pair went on their merry way, Zero blasting holes in anything that moved, and Ciel discreetly imparting to him the jealously guarded secret instructions to the resistance stronghold.

Which really meant reminding him to continue moving straight every ten or fifteen minutes. Some time later, it occurred to Ciel that the instructions may not have been worth jealously guarding. After hours of walking and immeasurable violence (note: the unit of measure for violence is one slaught, or in metric terms, one kilokill.) (note again: not really.) they had reached nothing but a dead end.

Zero twirled his weapon idly. "Sooo… Now what?"

Ciel tapped her foot impatiently. "Now I am trying to remember where to go, and I would really appreciate it if you would stop making those crunching noises."

"I'm not making any crunching noises."

"You're not?"

"No."

With one loud crash, the ground crumbled away beneath them, revealing a ten story plummet into a pool of shallow water. Zero knew he had to act fast.

_Ciel can't survive a drop from this height,_ he thought. _But I've walked away from worse falls._

The world rushing past him, he reached out to Ciel.

"Take my hand!"

"What?"

"Take my hand!"

"Take your what?"

"Take my…"

They both hit the water with a thunderous crash.

**Game Over: Continue or Quit? **

**Continue from where you left off? Okay.**

They both hit the water with a thunderous crash.

**Game Over: Continue or Quit? **

**Continue from where you left off? Let's try a little further back this time, moron!**

"Take my hand!"

"Take your what?"

"Oh, forget it!"

He grabbed Ciel. Righting himself in midair, he landed dramatically in the water below, prompting scores of 9.5, 9.0, and 9.7 from nearby servants of X. Zero promptly eliminated these reploids.

Ciel took his hands. "Thank you."

Zero reddened slightly. "It was nothing."

The young woman took a moment to look at her surroundings. "This looks familiar. Unless I am mistaken, the way back home is that way." She pointed to a door in the distance.

Her reploid companion sighed. "Looks like the worst is over, then."

As if fate was flipping an invisible bird at Zero, an enormous mechanical hand reached through the wall and dragged Ciel away.

**CLIFFHANGER!**


End file.
